My Poppa

My family and I have had a rough week.  I thought I wouldn’t say anything about this here.  I could write something normal like “Hi, I bought a dress,” but I’m horrible at disguising my feelings.  My idea of acting happy when I’m sad is to talk stiffly about the weather.

I wanted to let you all know that I flew home to the US a week ago because my maternal grandfather, Bertrand C. Mills, was sick with pancreatic cancer.  He  passed away in a VNA Hospice house Monday morning, really peacefully.  My mother and grandmother were right there with him, and my Dad, Aunt Pat and I arrived within minutes. 

My mother, by the way, she has been so strong and amazing throughout these last seven months; it takes my breath away. 

One memory that I’ll never forget is sitting in the kitchen of Hospice house eating takeout sushi and laughing with her.  She and I have this thing where we are frequently defeated by inanimate objects--seatbelts on airplanes, to name one example.  It is a true fact that I cannot open 88% of the door knobs I meet.  One of us starts laughing at our state of pathetic-ness and we can’t stop. 

This time we were being pummeled by stupid cancer, so it didn’t take much. Like, the fact that my grandfather drank a liter of water in 30 minutes while under my watch, more water than he had had in the last three days, and he just kept drinking?  And then he asked for more?  As I recounted that story to my Mom, it was enough to bring the tears rolling and the foggy glasses, we laughed so hard. 

Another thing I’ll never forget is the last time I spoke to my grandfather and he responded clearly; it was Saturday evening.

[His words were audible, but often incoherent in those last few days, a little bit like talking with someone who was dozing off next to you on the couch.]

I squeezed my grandfather’s hand and said, “Poppa, I forgot to tell you: my blog was in the Wall Street Journal!”

He looked me right in the eye and said, “No it wasn’t.”

Good lesson from my Poppa:  DON’T BRAG. 

When I think of my grandfather, I think of what a gentleman he was, right up to the end when he was too weak to even open his eyes, but would pucker up his lips for every new visitor that came to say hello.  We've been hurting a lot over this last week, and I know he wouldn't want that.  It's just that we will miss him so much. 

Comments

[Alisa]

this is beautiful
you made me choke up
I am sorry for your sadness. At the same time, envy your wonderful connections with your family. I am sure that you know how fortunate you are.
Gros bisous

[Coquette]

I know, I can't believe I was able to come home for this. For him, I don't think it mattered so much, but for me it was really, really good.

[Coquette]

And thank you, Alisa.

[Ally]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a close family member is difficult. From the sound of it, your family is very strong so I know you will be able to work through it.

[Ms. NOLA]

I'm so sorry to hear about your poppa. Thank you for sharing this and lots of warm thoughts for your family. Take care of yourself and I'm glad you're with your family.

[Genevieve]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm glad you were able to go home and be with your family, though. I know that does help a bit.

[CurlyHairDay]

This is a beautiful tribute to your grandfather and to your mother and your relationships with both of them. I am so sorry for your loss. I do believe grandparent angels travel to France - mine did - so Poppa will be watching over you.

[Kathleen]

Dear Coquette,
My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. While I have never met you, I felt I should tell you that your words moved me. I am so sorry for your loss.
Kathleen in nyc

[lachipie]

Beautiful tribute , my thoughts are right there with you . I too lost mine recently and I know your pain.

[Raquel]

I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

[Rica]

Dear Coquette,

I have been following your blog for a while now and I wanted to express my condolences for your loss. Through your eloquent writing, I can see that your grandfather was a beautiful person and quite a gentleman. My thoughts go out to you and your family.

[Jecca]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.

[am*]

"no it wasn't." :)

yours is a lovely testimonial.

[April]

I'm sorry about your loss.
My maternal grandmother passed away this morning. I was really close to her...we just hung out the other day and she told me "I am happy today." She had been living at a convalescent home for the past couple of years... Our grandparents are now free :)

[Neil]

My condolences to you and your family. Thanks for sharing this with us.

[floridora]

Sincere condolences. So glad that you and he had the comfort of Hospice during this difficult time.

[R J Keefe]

My condolences to you and to your family. It is good to know that your grandfather did not suffer inordinately.

[greeneyes]

Heartfelt condolences to you.

[J]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

I'm sure your poppa is proud of you.

[The Bold Soul]

I'm so very sorry to hear about your loss. It sure sounds like he was a very special man and that you have lots of family around to support one another. Do your best to focus on his life, not his death, and the fond memories you have.

[Coquette]

Oh, thank you all so so much. I just got home from a family dinner in his honor. His life is the most important thing to celebrate, you are right Bold Soul.

April, I'm sorry about your grandmother. My thoughts are with you.

[samantha]

Oh, I'm so sorry, dearest Elisabeth! But how wonderful that you could be there and share those goodbyes and celebrate his Poppa-ness. I would give anything to have a loving grandfather, it's truly something to cherish.

[Serena]

What a beautiful tribute. I'm sure you make him proud.

[Medina]

Coquette: I am really saddened by your grandfather's passing, but happy for his gain. He was surrounded with love and sincerity in his final hours...what a beautiful way to transcend this earth! In his final breath he was able to bring people together and his spirit continues to do so, as you and your family celebrate his life.

In loss, he created beauty...

[Sharon]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother in November. We were all able to be with her on the day she died. Even though she was out of it most of the time, we all sat and recounted old family stories. We laughed and we cried and then we laughed some more. I know that is how she wanted to leave us - with the sound of our voices lingering in her mind as she passed on. You will always be so glad that you were able to be with your grandfather in that way.

[gleek]

i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. hugs to you from across the atlantic! your family is in my thoughts.

[Alicia]

Coquette,

Reading your blog moved me to tears remembering saying goodbye to my father who passed from cancer 5 years ago. They are the sort of tears you smile through because of the love you feel for that person.
I am glad you have such close bonds with your family. It will help you get through this difficult time.
I send you my condolences from across the Atlantic.

[chantel]

My heart goes out to you. Really beautiful post.

[Sedulia]

I'm so sorry. But you are lucky to have such a close family and a grandfather you loved so much.

The good memories will always remain.

[Catherine]

Coquette, you and your Poppa touched me--I am 65, caring for 90-year-old Mom....years and years.....your blog over last year keeps me going, keeps me remembering there is a Paris, and your post on your Grandfather sends all my heart out to you!

[Adrienne]

So sorry to read this. Felt like I was reading my own thoughts as my maternal grandfather passed away on Monday too. It's been a heavy week. Glad that you've been able to fight light and love during a dark time. Beautiful tribute, Elisabeth.

[Polichick]

I'm sorry for your loss. Your Poppa sounds like a great man.

[Peppermint]

Toutes mes condoléances pour cette perte d'un être vraisemblablement très cher Coquette. Ces stupides maladies n'affectent jamais les personnes qui le méritent, malheureusement.I'm sure you and your family will have the strength and courage to go through this.

Also, I hope we don't catch you talking about the weather too often in the future :)

Bises

[Coquette]

Thank you, thank you everyone. I'm so comforted by your kind words and shared experiences.

The sadness about my grandfather rushes up quickly, like during Praire Home Companion today--my grandmother was sitting right next to me and we held hands when the angel said "the death of an elderly man is not a tragedy."

But mostly, I'm doing well and so is my family.

Catherine, that's an unbelievably kind thing to say. I'm glad my blog reminds you of Paris. I want to do that Left Bank walk of yours.

[piu piu]

hey, i feel for you. its good that you were able to spend time together with your family through this x

[cathleen]

Hi. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile. Anyway, I’m sorry for your loss. That was a really moving post. I know how it feels because my grandma passed away 3.5 years ago. I was so close to her, and it took me a long time to feel better. I still feel sad sometimes, but my life feels back to normal. I hope you’re not too sad for too long.
Cathleen

[La Page Française]

Coquette, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather passing. He sounds like a wonderful person. I am glad you were able to be with him and to be with your family, I think that is very important when dealing with loss.
Big hugs

[Claire]

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Thank you for writing so honestly and beautifully about him and your family. xx

[Lesley]

X

[shannon]

you're in my thoughts...x

[jennifer]

found this blog last year while in paris w/ boy from hell...kept entertained by ignoring him & reading your old posts... Thanks for keeping me company and making me laugh when I was blue. So sorry for your loss. -jenn

[Rica]

Hi Coquette,

I just wanted to stop by your blog and send you more encouragement as I know this is a time when ones family must gather themselves up, hold dear the memories of such a lovely person and fill up the space they left behind with love and happy memories ...

As a child and all through my teenage years and now in my university years, I too have had to struggle with the strange and intrusive ways cancer can come into our lives.. Even so, what it has given me, is humility, a depth of compassion one can only seem to access after something as painful as this, and an awe for how beautiful and yet how ephemeral life can be.
To know that life can change at any moment, gave me the courage to do what needed to be done despite how terrifying it could be and to be gentle in the mist of cruelty in this world.

I hope that my sincerity has translated properly as I am suffering from a bit of a cold.. =) But bask in the memories you hold dear of this gentleman, your grandfather. And know that as far away as the other side of the world, we send our love and encouragement to you.

Bizouz

[Coquette]

Rica, Your sincerity did come through, to say the least. Thank you for your loving words.

[maha]

Coquette,

I'm sorry about your Seedo. I lost my favourite one 4 years ago this September. We used to nap in the afternoons after supper (supper in the middle east = 2 pm) and listen to The Voice Of Peace From Somewhere In The Meditteranean - French radio show.

I miss him still. I hope my Seedo meets your Seedo in heaven and they hang out.

All the love and support I can send you virtually is yours,
Maha

[Philippa]

Hi Coquette - I've been a lurker on your blog for a while, but just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and your family at this time. What a loving and beautifully written tribute to your grandfather. Wishing you peace and comfort. xx Philippa

[g]

My condoloences on your loss, Im sure he is in a better place looking over you each day.
Stay strong
Love
G

[Luisa]

Oh, I'm so sorry, dear Coquette. Your tribute to him brought tears to my eyes.

[Heather]

Sorry to hear about the passing of your grandfather. Thanks for sharing that with us because out here in cyber-land we do care! Chin up!

[Byron]

It seems so lonely and futile to talk to someone who is at the end of cancer. They seem so distant and incoherent. My grandmother was just like your grandfather when she died. She would sit in her bed and fold imaginary laundary when she was not limp and mumbling unintelligible words. Then, suddenly, every once in a while, she would look someone in the room directly in the eyes and say, "I love you." It's making me tear up now just thinking about it. I miss her.

[barbie2be]

i'm so sorry for your loss.