My completely uneventful flight back to Paris

THURSDAY
8:40 AM Leave for airport a tish bit late, but have always felt two hours early is a bit overdoing it.  Should be 1 and 1/2 hours early if you ask me, and as first leg of flight is domestic, am untroubled. 

10:30 AM  Making great time.  No troubles here!

11:35 AM  Oops!  I missed my turn! 

11:45 AM  Traffic isn’t moving, I begin to drum the wheel.

11:55 AM  Traffic isn’t moving, I begin deep yoga breathing.

12:10 PM  STILL. NOT. MOVING. WHHHHY? 

12:15 PM  Hyperventilating.  Flight leaves at 1:30!  Follow signs taped to trees for rental car return.  They are ridiculous and confusing!  Ask directions.  No one speaks English!

12:30 PM  I call my mother.  “Hi!  Are you there yet?” she asks cheerily. 

“They said there would be a sign for Budget, but there is no sign and I’m going to miss my flight and diiiiie!!!!!” 

Just then, I see the sign for Budget Car Rental.  I miss the turn. 

12:40 PM  I find Budget at the end of a dirt road in Mexico.  I throw the keys at the attendant and let her know I’ll be seeking legal action against them for being located in fucking Tijuana, but it comes out sounding more like “You know, this place is like, really hard to find.  I mean the signs are sort of tricky to follow and I’m a pretty clever person.”

The attendant sighs and tells me I’m forgetting something.  That would be my suitcase.

1:10 PM  Ticket counter.  “So let me get this straight, I was going to leave in twenty minutes and now I leave in two days?”

The airline lady is kind and says she can put me on the next flight out for no extra charge.  She says, “Hey!  You’re lucky!  There was this flight canceled to Denver this morning?  And ....” 

“TWO DAYS!?”  I begin weeping hysterically.

1:30 PM  It finally sinks in that I may not be leaving Miami today, or tomorrow, but more like in T-W-O days.  I call my parents.  I am sure they will look forward to driving six hours round trip after a full day of work to pick up their flake of a daughter at the airport.  That's going to go over super well.  I call my two friends in South Florida.  No one is home.  Discover Miami International Airport is not equipped with wireless internet.    I reconcile that my death will most likely occur at the Miami International Airport. 

1:50 PM   Visit Sbarro to drown my troubles.  I don’t really like myself enough for California Pizza Kitchen at the moment.

2:30- 4:00 PM  Read magazines.  Phone doesn’t ring. 

4:00 PM  I have nowhere to sleep tonight!  Man at information desk tells me hotels will be expensive.  But, he smiles with half his mouth, he has “insider information.”  He writes on a piece of paper “Air mattress, $50” and slides it towards me. 

Needless to say, I am alarmed. 

6:00 PM  My friend Cortney who lives in South Florida calls!  She will come to retrieve me!  Will not have to sleep on air mattress in creepy Information Desk Man’s love brothel!

6:05 PM Make celebratory laps around departure terminal with luggage chariot. 

FRIDAY
Day spent at home of South Florida friends, Kathleen and Dax.  They treat me like a princess even though I am a flake of dandruff. 

SATURDAY
12:00 PM  Am super early for flight.  I rock?

5:00 PM  No one has crazier hair than the French man.  You just have to take one look at the smoking lounge outside my gate to Paris--just at the hair alone--and you know that you are not on a flight to Zurich or Sydney.  It’s as if the nicotine supplies some strange energy jolt to their whole bodies, hair included.

5:45 PM  Takeoff.  My flight reading materials include:  Nick Hornby’s About a Boy, Tom Perrotta’s Little Children, and also, an article about Ayelet Waldman in ELLE.  The Waldman article is so fascinating.  Her husband, Michael Chabon, author of Wonder Boys, is sort of foxy.  Who knew? 

6:30 PM  Yay!  Moist towlettes! 

6:45 PM  What’s up with people who hog the armrest throughout the entire flight?  Do they know it’s not friggin nice?

7:00 PM  Yay!  Dinner! 

7:15 PM  The difference between French and American stewardesses (stewardii?) is that the French stewardess does not sound like she wants to put you in her pocket and make you her favorite pet.  She sounds in fact, as if she is untroubled with winning your affection. I cannot relate to this quality in the slightest.  I even want the people who cannot give me directions to Budget Car Rental to like me.   

I get bored and start cleaning out my purse.  Accidentally wake up man next to me with elbow.  This fella definitely hates me. 

SUNDAY
Godawfulearly AM  We have arrived.  We shuffle out to daylight, to the cold and unwelcoming spaceship pod that is Charles de Gaulle. 

7:20 AM  Customs.  I look over at the "European Citizens" line.  It is a sea of excellently tousled hair.  The signs should read "European Union Hair" and "All Other Hair."

7:40 AM  Luggage carousel--like Waiting for Godot with jet lag. 

8:00 AM  Am in shuttle heading to Paris!  We have to drop off some customers in the 9th and we pass this little cathedral on rue Voltaire (I think).  At the sight of this cathedral that I have never before seen in my life, my heart  explodes in my throat and goes soaring out of my brain.  I think, for the billionth time, there is probably no other place in the world that makes me feel the way Paris does and I get to live here. 

A tiny part of me worried that if I left Paris, something might happen where I wouldn’t be able to come back.  I feel so much relief to have been proved wrong. 

Comments

[Cyrille-TD]

Welcome back! Always a pleasure to read your blog...

[Sharyn]

Fantastic, as always.

Btw...last year I was lucky enough to see Ayelet Waldman and Michael Chabon interviewing each other (http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/4935778/) as part of MPR's Literary Friendships series. They were disgustingly cute.

[schuey]

I'm pretty certain that this is your best post I read in the last 5 days. The Air France stewardess description is so accurate i'd to refrain from p...g my pants.

[emaleejayne]

At least your luggage made it with you. Air France likes to lose mine.
Welcome back!

[bella - nj]

I happy that you're happy to be back in Paris. I wish I was in Paris right now. Lucky you.

[Scarlet]

Wow! What a trek back to Paris! Great story though;)

[rachel]

Thanks for such an amusing account. :)

Is there a post that tells how you get to live in Paris? I am trying to get to Paris myself, but not sure of the logistics, as my husband and I are both american (an engineer and an artist).

merci!

[R J Keefe]

Welcome home! Soyez la bienvenue!

[Elizabeth]

Coquette is back in Lutece. All's right in god's heaven once again.

*planning return visit-- sight of cathedral seen through your eyes made my heart leap*

[Ale]

well that's from throwing all those coins in the fountain over your shoulder.... oh... wait... that's italy- nevermind--

[Sheryl]

Such a blessing to love where you live!

[Neil]

No welcome back sign hanging from the Eiffel Tower? The French are so cold.

[kafeine]

Welcome back coquette!
Loved the French hair comment lol

[blah]

you big spolied brat. just shut up.

[shannon]

so funny! i was laughing out loud at work. i can def relate. i've had some comparable airport- drama-for-an-international-flight of my own.

but you got back to your favorite place! congrats!

[Sedulia]

Welcome back, Coquette! I love to hear your Paris stories and missed you.

In case you or your friends are traveling back to the States any time soon, a warning from a Frequent Flyer (me): Recently check-in times for flights TO the U.S. have gotten *ridiculous*. Arriving at the Paris airports two and a half hours before your flight is OFTEN too late these days. To be sure, you have to arrive three hours ahead of time. What a pain! (Unless you want to be bumped and get the later flight and the money.)

[Sara]

Nice post. I had to laugh at the airport worker who offered a cheap sleeping alternative. How benevolent!

I'm still baffled by the need to have people check in so early at the airport. So you get to the airport, check in your luggage, get through security (who are bored watching XRAY TV) , rush through the terminal...only to sit for two hours. The hell?

[pascal]

I totally agree with Neil
"Welcome back coquette!
Loved the French hair comment lol"

I had to actually spent an hour (2-3am) to check but theses photos in your last post, i am sorry to say that, are the worst from _all_ your blog, maybe some side effect from US. Most photos were actually quite stylish but theses ones..

Live in France seen from foreigner's eyes, that quite nice to see, keep on blogging, plus i am also visiting Paris.

[kafeine]

What photos? Who are you talking to??

[J]

haahahahahaa too funny.

[ering]

great post, glad to hear you made it back ok. that is to funny about the guy with the cheap sleep option. i can just see it Lanvins and all. willbe looking forward to hear about you parisian adventures

[The Bold Soul]

Three things:
(A) I think this is my favorite of all your blog posts. I am now doubly glad I voted for you in the blog awards!
(B) I have never missed a flight in my life but I also felt 1.5 hours was more than enough time. Now I know better - thanks for sparing me some future flight fiasco!
(C) My heart nearly exploded when I visualized your reaction to coming "home" to Paris. I have been working and waiting for the past two years to move to Paris and I know when it happens I will cry for days with joy and it will take me months to stop pinching myself in disbelief. Paris is where my soul wants to be.

Welcome back and thanks for giving me something to smile about on a night when I am exhausted from editing a client's book for over 6 straight hours. I needed that.

[Katie]

The signs should read "European Union Hair" and "All Other Hair."

You should talk to them about implementing that.

[sf]

Hi, a friend just directed me to your blog and I just wanted to say that I enjoy it very much. I lived in Paris on the rue des Quatre-Vents- across from a noisy Canadian bar named the Spruce Moose, or some other amazing name- and I miss it so much! I did a lot of dog-sitting as well. So, congratulations on a lovely blog and enjoy the Parisian spring.

[eurobrat]

lucky girl- glad you're back in the city of light! wholeheartedly agree with your description of Air France stewardii...

[JeninChicago]

Felicitations! Nous sommes tres heureuses que tu es bien arrive'e 'a Paris! And I understnd perfectly that feeling of suddenly having your heart in your throat as you come around a corner. How blessed you are!

[GdP]

omg, had I known moist towelettes excited you so, I would have given you the one I got/saved from the Casino de Paris in Monte Carlo. It had great packaging.

[J Norman Housteau]

I can't get to sleep I've got Paris on my mind
I could take a plane, then a train, and go underground for a while
Then climb the Metro stairs up to Rue St. Michel
La chanson sur la rue est très, très belle
If I could close my eyes mes rêves me prendront là

[ams]

Theres nothing worse than hanging around an airport - nothing except maybe sitting next to an obese person on the plane!

[Adrian]

welcome back?

[Asian Lep]

Dude, I love moist towelettes. I always hide them under my napkin whenever the waiters come by at Red Lobster, that way I have nearly a never-ending supply by the end of the night.

[Z]

Been waiting for you to get back to paris. You show the side of it that most tourists miss. Don't worry about missing your flight. I've known 4 people who partied the night before and then slept through their non-refundable tickets the next morning.

[Dagny]

I don't know what sounded worst -- creepy guy with air mattress or the armrest hog. At least you made it back. Oh, and there must be something about the Miami airport. I went through there once and swore never again if I could help it.

[maha]

A friend who visits my blog mentioned yours >> you're an absolute riot.

Have made the brutal mistake of reading this while at work and was obligated to deep breathe as I tried to laugh quielty. This means am currently typing while laying half on my a$$ on the ground and blacking out every few moments.

Thanks for the smiles! You're bookmarked (how sexy) and I will link to you from my small space on the interWeb...

cheers,
maha

[Sara]

glad you are back in Paris. My internet world is a little more in balance now. :)

[samantha]

So glad you're back in your heartland! Did Elle mention that Ayelet Waldman writes for Salon? Because she does! So, just thought you'd like to know. Can't wait to hear about your new Parisian adventures.

[petite]

Welcome back!

If you don't have any plans this evening, fancy coming over for some crèpes with a few friends of mine?

[kelli]

Yay! So glad you made it home safely.

[nathan]

Welcome Back ! A little late as usual ;-)

[kirsten]

Not only do I relate to the joyful feelings you describe here, but I concur also with ering's reply -- Paris is the place my soul wants to be, too. In fact, I've decided that after 3+ years of emotional devastation (new baby, divorce immediately after baby, recent dumping by first post-divorce boyfriend) enough is enough. I'm leaving on the 30th and spending a week as a germainopratin -- and if memory serves (I once lived in Neuilly for 6 months) I don't think even the predicted clouds and rain will prevent Paris from resurrecting some happiness in my bitter, broken heart! The question is, will I look silly sitting in a cafe reading my loaned copy of 'It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken'?
Glad you're safely home!