I’ve had various odd jobs since moving to France, but one thing I do a lot of is tutoring. I find it inspires a welcome sense of superiority (see Tuesday’s post), pays 2.5 times as much as baby-sitting or dog-sitting, and best of all, doesn't require me to touch any poop.
Last spring and into the summer, I woke up every Saturday morning at 7 a.m. and went to Joinville-le-Pont for English “play sessions” with three brothers--Victor, Ivan, and Frédéric--working individually, at 45-minute intervals. They were nice enough boys, but I think it’s no stretch of the imagination to say that they loathed me. Victor, the oldest at 11, might be listening to the sounds of a neighborhood game of foot wafting through the windows, and there I was grinning at him like a jack-o'-lantern.
Me: How ‘bout another round of I Spy?
Victor: Mmmm. I don’t sink so.
*crickets*
I assure you it wasn’t as merry as it sounds.
Ivan and Fred were a bit easier--they found my rendition of The Hokey Pokey inspiring, and when I brought over Monopoly, they thought I had invented the game. But novelty only lasts so long with eight-year-olds until they realize they’re looking at 22 more minutes in lockdown with the crazy singing lady. In retrospect, it seems unfair that I was the only one getting paid in the situation.
But adults, adults who actually want to learn? I can get on board for that. For an hour a day, their attention is mine, just like a child. For an hour a day, I can mold them and lord it around. For an hour a day, I am their superior. Who’s the lady with all the answers? Ding, ding, ding. That would be me.
(This would be a good time for the gods to begin peeling that banana. Also, I like my cream pies with just a hint of vanilla, thanks.)
One woman I tutor, Caroline, is trying to get ahead in the business world by working on her English. She’s a lovely woman whose beauty and demeanor belie her actual age. (There is a sixteen-year-old son.) Most importantly, Caroline has several Oxford Business English books, and we’re not expected to play Simon Says.
Tuesday night, I was defining something for her in French--a practice that the Alliance Française might not endorse, but Caroline has requested in order to save time. I started to explain, in French, “imagine if you,” and the informal “tu” just slipped out. And sat there like a floundering, flippy fish on the table. Uncomfortable. Obvious. Wrong.
Allow me to interject that, for the six months I worked at the magazine, I was the nerd using “vous” with all the hip fashion assistants on the phone (my age), until I heard them “tu” me first. And then I still usually stuck with “vous.” But with a woman of Caroline's age, well, there should be no question.
“Imagine si tu...”
Flip flip. Flip flip.
I felt like Ralphie just after he’s muttered the “F” word.
What do you do at this point? Once you’ve left a nice, fat, third-trimester pause? Do you clear your throat, smile, and say “VOUS” meaningfully? That seems so fey. Do you simply excuse yourself, or do you carry on like it never happened?
Me? I excused myself, then carried on, as one must when one is being paid by the hour.
Mmmm. That's a really hard one. I'm always so careful to use the "vous" that I almost never use the "tu" when I'm not talking to my friends (and then we're talking in English anyway so what does it matter?) because I'm scared of making a similar mistake. However, I feel like you handled it well because you don't want to draw any more attention to the mistake but nor do you not want to acknowledge it either.
Posted by: Gloria | 15 April 2005 at 04:11 PM
I have a REALLY hard time when I meet people at networking stuff, which are halfway between social and professional - do I vous? Do I tu? I always pick the wrong one. People are either amused I'm addressing them formally or pissed that I'm disrespecting. It's terrible.
Posted by: EasyJetsetter | 15 April 2005 at 04:47 PM
It's such a minefield isn't it, when you just aren't hardwired to make tu/vous distinctions that way... And sometimes the brain takes a while to catch up with the tongue.
How did she react? I take my cue from whether the person smiles in a 'I'll forgive you seeing as you are a foreigner' kind of way, or looks horribly affronted.
Posted by: petite | 15 April 2005 at 05:05 PM
well, you can just bull thru unless she stops you, but with an employer...
what you did is probably best, especially if she didn't take the opportunity to say 'tu' was fine.
This is what you missed the blogparty for?
:(
Posted by: Mathieu | 15 April 2005 at 05:27 PM
I've seen even French people slip up on this one, believe it or not. They usually either just revert immediately back to the 'tu', sometimes excusing themselves.
It's really not THAT big of a deal, as long as you show it was unintentional and not meant to be disrespectful. Besides, during the English classes, who's the boss? It's you!
Posted by: sammy | 15 April 2005 at 06:01 PM
When I was living in Japan...hey...I WAS an expat at one time...whoo hoo...anyway, when I was living in Japan, I taught conversational English. I agree that the children were harder to capture, but the adults were wonderful to teac, especially those my age [26]. I so loved that job.
Posted by: kassi | 15 April 2005 at 06:27 PM
Once I unknowingly called my belle-mère 'tu' by saying "à tes souhaits." In my defence, I didn't know what the phrase meant, I only knew that people said it to me after I had sneezed. I stupidly figured it was one word rather than a phrase.
Her head whipped around and she scared the * out of me by screaming, "A VOS SOUHAITS."
That day I learned the meaning of "à tes souhaits" and I also learned that 'vous' does not sound respectful when it is sprewed forth like raging hot lava.
Posted by: delaïdo | 15 April 2005 at 06:57 PM
What a scary belle-mere, delaîdo!
Posted by: sammy | 15 April 2005 at 07:04 PM
I just let the French decide on using 'tu.' I figure, hey, vous is usually good enough, and then can correct me if they want. My French is bad enough that I'm usually corrected on a bunch of other stuff too. Touching poop would be less embarrassing.
Posted by: DDJ | 15 April 2005 at 07:34 PM
I'm (among other things) an instructor in software development classes, and I usually use "vous". I've already got enough troubles being Italian, with French students, the course materials in English, that deciding between the 2 would kill me.
Posted by: Sebastiano Pilla | 15 April 2005 at 08:08 PM
Vous. I'm always about vous. Even with people I've worked with for years. And always with people younger than me (so they know they have to vous/voyez me back). But people who make a big deal over a tiny slip up are bourgeois peegs.
Posted by: GdP | 15 April 2005 at 10:29 PM
i have a similar problem with japanese. there's an entire other way of speaking (called keigo - formal language) when addressing superiors and elders. THEN there are also different levels of keigo, one for people outside of your social group, one for when you are speaking OF someone in your group, and one for speaking TO someone in your group. there are days when i wish i just had to decide between 'tu' and 'vous'! i feel your pain.
Posted by: gleek | 15 April 2005 at 10:32 PM
While in Spain I once thought I was being so clever by remembering to Usted my new teacher, but I ended up getting laughed at, as that was FAR too formal for THAT situation (a half-day summer course for teenagers). It's a lose-lose situation!
Posted by: janna | 16 April 2005 at 03:50 AM
a belle mere is a stepmother right? the woman married to your father? isn't there a lot of familiarity there? hmmm. i like the i'm your stepmother i must kiss your ass to make you like me after taking your mother's place in your father's affections and treat you as much like my child as possible without overstepping my bounds system we have here better. i might be a little biased.
Posted by: es | 16 April 2005 at 11:33 AM
I hate kids.
I have a 'tu'/'vous problem, as well as a tendency to say 'on' instead of 'nous' which, my friend Mireille tells me, is not allowed unless I'm a born and bred Parisian.
She was born in Minnesota, so I don't know why the hell she's talking.
Posted by: Asian Leprechaun | 16 April 2005 at 02:16 PM
Oh, I've made the same mistake... with my first-year French prof. I immediately turned six shades of red and wanted to hide under my cahier. She, however, was the world's nicest teacher, and just laughed it off. Maybe she was accustomed to such gaucherie.
Also, yay for A Christmas Story references.
Posted by: Sarah | 16 April 2005 at 06:19 PM
My belle-mère is my mother-in-law (although belle-mère can also mean step-mother). She's an interesting lady that I have next-to-nothing in common with. Well, I like her cooking. Anyway, I have decided that she's certifiably crazy. And Sammy's right because she can be scary too.
Posted by: delaïdo | 16 April 2005 at 07:36 PM
I should say that my pupil didn't seem too affronted. She's not a "borgeios peeg" thank god.
Yes Mathieu, I missed the blogparty for tutoring. Different lady, though.
Delaido, sorry about that belle-mere of yours.
Posted by: Coquette | 18 April 2005 at 02:01 PM
vous tu vous tu.... I don't know who thought that one up , but it sure wasn't an expat!
Posted by: chaton | 18 April 2005 at 05:21 PM
Thanks, Coquette, for telling us that Caroline did not take your slip-up amiss.
Isn't it the rule, however, for teachers to address students in the second person singular?
Posted by: R J Keefe | 18 April 2005 at 05:37 PM
Hi RJ,
Yes, teachers address students in the second person singular. 'Vous' can be singular or plural, depending on the circumstances. ('Tu' is always singular and familiar.)
In Coquette's case, it would have been more advantageous to address her Adult Student as 'Vous' (the singular and polite form of second person) because of their relationship.
Posted by: delaïdo | 18 April 2005 at 08:01 PM
I've been living in Montreal for a few years now, and even though I've never taken a French class, my spoken language skills are passable. Interestingly enough, the French in Quebec is quite different (and significantly less pleasing to the ear) from Parisian. They are not generally sticklers about the tu/vous distinction, and it wasn't until some of my friends from Europe, the Middle-East, and Africa (who consequently speak beautiful Parisian French) corrected me that I even knew what the distinction was.
Posted by: Cordelia | 18 April 2005 at 10:53 PM
Where are you? We want a post, we want a post!
Posted by: Mathieu | 19 April 2005 at 01:19 AM
Reading your post reminded me of the summer on Nantucket in the mid-80s when an older woman paid me to tutor her in French. I was 16 or 17 at the time. The only book I could find on the island that was at the right reading level for her was "Peter Rabbit." Poor woman.
Posted by: Jessica | 19 April 2005 at 01:48 AM
Slipping like that is generally interpreted as a sign of fondness for the person and isn't really a reason to apologize, but I do understand your point. This has happened to me in French and German both, and gets really confusing in groups (like in our university department) where two thirds of my colleagues say "tu" (or "du") and the other third say "vous" ("Sie"). I'm in my early 30's and just say "tu" to everyone under 50, as long as they're not a professor. The French tend to be a little more formal in this matter, so I tend to use "vous" with older people in any capacity and use "tu" with people of the same age or younger in non-official ones. Ugh. It's so hard coming up with rules for this, since we tend to do these things be the seat of our pants. Your post really shows how confusing things can get.
And like someone mentioned, the French also have their 'lapsus', so I suppose we'll be forgiven. :)
A famous joke about Helmut Kohl talking to Ronald Reagan involved Kohl saying "You can say you to me."
Posted by: Damon | 19 April 2005 at 02:23 AM
Ma petite coquette,
Sammy said it best:it's no big deal, as far as I can tell after being away 30 years+. I think the French are slowly becoming less formal.
Pour illustrer, je t'apprends que ta grand-mere maternelle disait "vous" a sa mere - ton arriere grand-mere. Raison: ton arriere grand-mere etait une veuve assez jeune et voulait recevoir le respect des nombreux ouvriers sur la ferme dont elle etait la patronne. Cette pratique etait frequente dans les familles traditionelles "dans le temps" - c.a.d. 19ieme siecle, debut 20ieme.
(sorry about the french spelling "sans les accents")
Posted by: ton papa | 19 April 2005 at 04:09 AM
Well, Mr Coquette, we'll let it go just this once. Parce que c'est vous, hein?
Sad to see you do not have a french keyboard for special occasions :(
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