La Coquette

How to scare the crap out of me

Tell me I’m going to be in a seat of "high visibility" at Stella McCartney tomorrow.  (We all know the audience is part of the show too, right?)  I CAN’T HANDLE THE PRESSURE. 

June 13, 1980

How to turn a naturalization ceremony into a photo op: 

Take one nice-looking man of French origin.  Make certain he is fresh from becoming an American citizen--preferably capture him in the courtroom just minutes after his oath-taking.  Plop a kid onto his shoulder (Any kid will do.  Here we've used a Baby Coquette on her one-month birthday).  For garnish, place the courtroom’s Stars and Stripes in the background.  The caption will read:  Asleep under the flag. 

See the picture in the paper two days later, just in time for Father’s Day.

How To Make Me Happy I Stayed Home Sick On A Friday Night

By giving me that live T.V., Miss America moment.  Radia just beat Harlem for the grande tourne on Star Academy.  Did you see her face?  It was 32 flavors of WIGGED OUT.  She clearly thought Harlem would win. We all thought he would win, honey.  Oh, the drama.  This is why we watch live television, folks. 

*Star Academy is the best.  On Friday nights, it’s like American Idol, but during the week, you WATCH THE CONTESTANTS LIVING TOGETHER IN A CHATEAU.  Like The Real World.  Genius. 

How To Make Me Giggle

Have this conversation with me as we set up our next meeting to work on your English:

Me: So we’ll touch base tomorrow.
Guillaume: Ehhh, touch base?
Me: We’ll talk tomorrow.
Guillaume: Hokay, I call you to confirm.
Me: THAT is touching base.
Guillaume: Okay, I will touching base tomorrow!

How To Score Free Aperitifs

Go out to a family-owned restaurant in your neighborhood, the night the elections are settled. 

The minute you are asked how you are this evening, shout “DEGOUTE!” (disgusted)

Be seated and wait for owner to return, bearing free drinks for you and your companion, and the kind instruction to “Drown your sorrows.”

How to Sound Like a Stupid Foreigner

Ask your friend if she wants to go window shopping, lecher les fenetres, with you this week. Ask loudly, because your drunk, and with pride, because you think you’ve impressively (considering the drinkage factor) remembered the French expression for window shopping--literally to LICK WINDOWS.

There will be silence, as wheels in drunken brains are turning, and then a collective “Aaah! Lecher les vitrines!”

Because, while you used the proper word for window the first time, there’s a whole other word for store windows, and it ain’t fenetre.