Real Men Bend It Like Beckham

My father (far right) with his Université teammates after a soccer win, circa 1972.  He has no idea that in a few short years, he will move to America, FOREVER ALTERING THE COURSE OF HIS LIFE.  America will make him drink beer from a bottle and put ice in his drinks.  America will persuade him to buy a Golden Retriever and an SUV.  America will inspire him to wear khaki trousers and oversized work shirts made by Tommy Hilfiger.  But will America take his soccer ball-shaped soul and replace it with NFL-regulation pigskin?  *swell French National Anthem, La Marseillaise*  NEVER.   

I remember feeling shocked when a teacher told my mother that my father had a cute accent.  What accent?  I’d never noticed any accent.  Of course, my father did, and still does, have a French accent, but it’s so indistinct, most people can’t pin what country he’s from.  I actually felt a bit disappointed when I realized what a less bated French accent could sound like.  Watching Jean de Florette, my sisters and I wondered why our Dad didn’t sound like Gérard Depardieu.  Even a French doctor who ran local T.V. commercials in Florida would say, exotically, “I’ve been a resident of Floreedah for 25 years.”  What was wrong with our Dad?  He sounded nothing like that, and he’d only been here 15 years. 

I just saw the movie Spanglish.  If you’re reading this from France, the movie is not slated for release there UNTIL APRIL.  I WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME THIS BEFORE I MOVED TO FRANCE--YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN SEE A MOVIE WHEN IT’S SHINY AND NEW, BUT INSTEAD MONTHS AFTER IT HAS REACHED THE 100-SEATER IN PODUNK WEST VIRGINIA.  I am considering legal action because no one warned me I’d have to wait three months to see Lost in Translation. 

So if you haven’t seen Spanglish, two of the main characters are an immigrant from Mexico and her young daughter.  The typical struggles between first and second generation immigrants ensue--the balance of assimilation with homeland heritage, the problematic of a child having more power than her parents (the mother barely speaks English), etc.

I couldn’t relate to any of this.  I never felt like the immigrant’s child, shamed by my father’s accent and foreign ways.  (Oh, he made me cringe in public all right, but it had nothing to do with his being French).  Why was he so assimilated by the time of my birth?    A large part must be that he had absolutely no connection to France here--no French friends, no French-speaking television channels, and calls overseas were expensive.   And although my mother and he fell in love when she was studying abroad in France, they always spoke in English together.

I've been thinking about my Dad’s experience since reading Petite Anglaise’s posting last week, Cultural Schizophrenia.  She writes how even when you become fluent in another language, your true self can be harder to translate.   Asking for my father’s reaction to this idea, he told me what I already knew, but prefer not to think about--that 30 years after moving to the United States, no matter how confident his English skills, he still feels more comfortable telling a joke in French.  He told me that he considers his "true self" his French self.  Then we started talking about how his closest friends remain his high school friends, how he’d really like to retire in France, and how only after becoming a father does he realize the injury he caused his parents when he left.  And then, OH GOD THEN, as if my glasses weren’t foggy enough--he just had to go and bring up soccer.

You see, the thing about soccer is that not only did my father move all the way across the Atlantic for my mother, but then GOD GAVE HIM THREE GIRLS WHO COULDN'T HAVE CARED LESS ABOUT SOCCER.  The family member most moved by the game was probably our Golden Retriever Ginger, and even she ranked it a distant third to chasing lizards and digging holes in the ground. 

My father has made the best of things--he coached soccer at the YMCA off and on for ten years, played in a league when he first moved stateside, and now, while many of his friends play golf on the weekends, he spends his Saturdays refereeing youth soccer.   I asked him yesterday if he felt disadvantaged socially because he doesn’t follow American football and he said, “Sometimes I feel like a woman--when they’re talking about football in the hallway at work, I just walk on by.”

And that’s when I really lost it.  My father is a man.  MERDE.  Americans just aren’t talking about the right game. 

Comments

[jane]

J'ai une larme ;-)
Bravo lisa! c'est magnifique!
Et en plus d'être un super papa c'est un extraordinaire tonton, qui a vraiment réussi une super vie et une super famille
Je vous aime

[srah]

The blogosphere hereby hugs your dad.

[mommy dearest]

My coquette - As to why your father was so assimilated by the time of your birth, I attribute it to his nightime ritual of watching Johnny Carson!!

[kim]

I must admit, the whole seeing films months later is rather depressing, but every once in awhile there'll be a gem of a film that I'll get to see months before the americans, at which point I get to point and mock to my heart's content.

I can only think of two examples at the moment... Spider and Dogville... but still. Muhahaha.

[petite]

I hadn't realised your daddy was a Frenchman, Coquette. Lovely post.

*makes mental note to find the time to read the archives*

[Alisa]

Oh, usually I laugh so much when reading your blog. This time I had sweet tears. Me-married to a Frenchman that I met in Los Angeles, lived there together for 8 years, moved to Paris almost 3 years ago, we have two girls, he a huge soccor AND rugby fan, he always wanting a boy.
I enjoy your blog so much. thanks

[bluepoppy]

LOVE this story! Your dad sounds like a real mensch. Of course, as you know, I never knew for years and years that my father had a French accent . . . I couldn't hear it. Question for you is: does you father correct your French? And part two, does it drive you batty, or do you appreciate it? (Me, he does it ALL THE TIME and ca me rend FOLLE).

[Coquette]

Petite, it's not you--I've written very little about my father thus far!

Alisa, thank you for your comment--it sounds like you can really relate!

Kim, it's true, there *are* the rare examples, they just never seem to be the films that interest me...BOY, LIFE IS ROUGH IN FRANCE :)

[Coquette]

bluepoppy, HE CORRECTS MY FRENCH ALL THE TIME AND CA ME REND FOLLE ALL THE TIME!!! Especially since it's ALL HIS FAULT I DON'T SPEAK PERFECT FRENCH IN THE FIRST PLACE.

[Marilyn]

Lovely post! As for the films...my heart sinks when some film finally makes it to our theatre...only to have Spanish subtitles. (Ours is the lone USVI theatre in a chain of Puerto Rican theatres.) Spanish is great, but I don't speak it. Even so, I can't seem to stop myself from reading the subtitles...and the last thing I desire in a film-going experience is Spanish lessons...

[lizardek]

What a wonderful post, Coquette! Thank you :)

[Flare]

Such a sweet post! I can relate, my mom being Korean and moving to the US to be with my father. A lot of similarities and perhaps I will truely understand when I start to have kids.

Very nicely written.

[Kathleen]

Well, I didn't think it was possible, but I now feel even more love for the Coquette family. Thank goodness Coquette's mama was so fabulous that Coquette's papa had to emigrate to be with her!

Really, you haven't lived until you've traveled abroad with Coquette's family...they board planes at the last possible second (so as not to be confined one moment longer than necessary), they delight in the simple joys of fresh fruit straight from the orchard (especially cherries) and they throw the best parties al fresco (complete with horn players). If only there were more Francophile families, America might be a happier (and less carb phobic) country.

[BBM]

I have seen many good films that are released in France long before they get to the US ;-)

[Véro]

From one professional ex-pat to another, we understand each other it seems.

I must say the paragraph about your dad and his "true self" made me sigh and remember how an important half of my true self has taken the backburner since this little French-Canadian moved to Britain to marry her English muffin.

T'as mon vote pour les Bloggies, ma coquette!

[Motu]

That sucks that they don't have an French channels in Florida. Up here (in NH) it's basic cable.

[Maria]

Coquette, I've been reading your blog for a while and love it. I can relate to so much! My father is from Spain and immigrated to the US when he married my American mom. Your comment about not realizing that your father had an accent made me smile because the same thing happened to me. Some people just don't understand how that's possible!

[Maddox]

The accent may be mostly gone, but I bet he complains about the BREAD every time he goes to the grocery store???? I do. I mumble and complain that "this is America, the land of plenty, and they can't even make good bread." *sigh*

[dog birthday cakes]

Well, I'm absolutely agree with Maddox! good!

[aurélie]

Je viens juste de découvrir ce blog et ça m'épate de voir tout ce mélange...je m'y identifie parfaitement, en tant que française vivant en Ecosse depuis 5 ans déjà. Je ne sais plus vraiment quel est mon "true self", mais il est vrai que je raconte des blagues en français beaucoup mieux qu'en anglais...quoique...

[Elle]

i can totally relate, but differently--my mom is first generation (100% irish) and my dad is second generation german. in my house we still speak gaelic and occassionally german (granted i'm actually better at spanish). i didn't get a chance to really read your blog on your father thoroughly and will have to do so at a later date (i'm kinda writing this on the fly) but do you ever find culture clashes between your mom and your dad? i mean other than language...I know in my family (esp around holidays) we've got two totally different dynamics going on
must run, will write again
(ps luv the fashion section on your blog!)

[marie-agnès]

bonjour! je viens tout juste de découvrir ce blogue et je le trouve absolument super! je suis québécoise, mon père est Français et j'habite maintenant à Toronto. toutes tes histoires me font sourire parce qu'elles ne sont pas si loin de ma propre vie. j'étais à Paris en juin dernier et je restais dans le quartier latin - quel endroit délicieux!! peut-être irais-je y vivre un jour moi aussi. enchantée de te rencontrer,
marie

[Julie]

C'est aussi difficile quand on choisis a ne pas epouser l'etranger...Moi, j'ai etudie a Aix-en-Provence il y a 16 ans et je suis tombee amoureuse d'un francais. J'ai mis terme a notre rapport apres presque 3 ans, j'ai epouse un american que je connais depuis long temps et bon, nous sommes heureux dix ans plus tard...mais il y a une partie de moi qui regrette que je n'ai pas reste en France. J'ai eu peur de faire ce que votre pere a fait. C'est vrai qu'il y en a beaucoup qui vivre en peu entre pays, entre cultures...La France me manques...meme apres 16 ans. Mais je ne sais pas si je pouvais vivre sans ma famille, sans les grandsparents, etc. Je dois dire que votre papa est tres fort. (j'espere que vous tous pouvez m'excuse mes fautes en francais--ca fait longtemps depuis j'ai eu qq'un a qui parler en francais!)

[Coquette]

Thanks for your comment Julie. And if you made any errors rest assured that I would be the last to notice. It's true, I sometimes can't believe what my Dad gave up to move to the US. Thankfuly he really loves my Mom and America. I'll pass along your nice comment to him. (Today's his birthay, aww.)

[Bea at La Tartine Gourmande]

I am just discovering your blog, and with this post, what a treat. Like your dad, I am French and moved to the US, married to an American born from Irish parents. Our life is full of, how can I say it, language tricks, miscommunication, France, America, Ireland. And, I am faced with the same identity questions, speaking fluently English, yet not getting to what I want to say, really. Weird, excuse my French, mais le cul entre deux chaises. Merci, j'ai adore lire ce billet. A bientot. I wonder what it will be like if I ever have kids!

Bea

[Elizabeth Casano]

Elizabeth! Saw your father at the bank yesterday. We reminisced your theatre days at 'ol St. Ed's!! He gave me your blog adress. BRAVO!! This is the first I've read but I plan to read them all- one lunch hour at a time! You're father's eyes sparkle with pride at the mention of your name. How's Elizabeth? Instantaneously, the twin disco balls flash! We hope the folks in France and cyberspace know how very lucky they are to have you as such an active part of their world. They've seen you write but have they seen you act??? Keep writing...I await the book!!
Mrs. Casano

[david]

that's crazy.
the story of your father reminds me so much of my own. i moved from france to the us many years ago. the "true self" thing is something i've been wondering about so much, especially lately.
i think that you moved to france to get closer to your dad. now you'll be able to understand how he feels.
it's a great experience but it is also a great sacrifice, especially for the people you care: family, high school friends (irreplacable as far as i'm concerned).

[just somebody]

I have just discovered your blog and its making me very happy. My husband is French and I'm American. I moved to the south of France not too long ago with him after he lived with me for a while in the States. Its funny to hear your stories, I can really relate with a lot of it. So thanks, I'll stay tuned in.

[Flo]

I love you blog, I just found it and spend an hour reading your entries and articles. The one that moved me the most is this one, as I lost my dad 5 yars ago and I really liked the way you talked about yours. It also made me smile as I can imagine feeling like your dad in a few years time (my husband is Scottish). I am french and 31. I have just relocated from Paris to NY with my husband. I work in fashion. Email me when you have a minute, I would love to chat! Hope life in Paris is good.

[Rhea Liza]

Soon I will be moving to another country because my husband-to-be does not share my nationality. Naturally, one has to move to be with the other. I am not there yet and do not have kids but somehow it makes me think how my kids will one day blog about my "future" struggle to integrate in another society. As far as I know, life will be more colorful with all the new discoveries of someone's culture. :)

Btw, I enjoy reading your blog!

[Mary Soderstrom]

I came across your blog when searching for pictures of the Parc Monceau for a book I'm writing which will deal in part with Baron Haussmann's transformation of Paris. I stayed to read on: your comments are great fun.

Your essay on your father also touched me. We have had a somewhat reverse situation since we moved from California to Montreal and have chosen to live most of our lives in French. Our kids--now grown--went to French school, have Francophone partners (one Québécoise pure laine and the other a transplanted Lyonnais) and regularly criticized our French throughout their growing-up period. Actually for a long time they refused to speak French to us at all, even when we were conversing in French with friends. This is, I suppose, a not-uncommon immigrant pattern.

The next question is (perhaps): what lullabies will you sing to your own kids, once you get around to having them? Having two sets makes for a very full life.

Amitiés

Mary

[Shefaly]

".. how even when you become fluent in another language, your true self can be harder to translate..."

Not sure about this. Doesn't fluency mean you start thinking in that language rather than a language you see as your own?

I grew up in India speaking a language which was not my mother tongue that stayed with me for 12 years, then poof! Gone! Now I speak my mother tongue with an accent hangover from that other language. And I speak English with a hard-to-lose Indian accent but I also speak German with a Munchen accent (my teacher learnt there!) and French with a Southern French accent (my teacher again!). But I do not translate my self in any of these.

It seems to me that a different self emerges in every language for me. German makes me efficient, and the engineer in me comes out. French makes me poetic and wanting to wear floral dresses (of which I have none!). English makes me want to tell ironic jokes and my own tongue, Hindi/ Hindustani makes me want to recite poetry or talk in public in low voice so it sounds like a secret...

Nice blog. Got here from Un femme d'un certain age...

[Trisch]

I totally know the feeling, My father's family is French as are many of my friends, but mine is absolutely awful. They'll all be talking to eachother, and i'll pick up the most part, but you know you're still on the outside, and they're waaayyy more comfortable speaking French, and when I get the second hand translation I'm totally just sitting on the outside lol.
It's a pity your dad didn't move to like Quebec or anywhere in the Eastern half of Canada with your mum, then you'd be set.

[linny]

your dad looks like Napoleon Dynamite there:)

[Kelsey]

That's a great entry, really.

While reading this, I couldn't help but think of my boyfriend at various points. He is French, born in Lyon, but since his father is a diplomat, he spent much of his life moving around various parts of French-speaking Africa. He was sent to boarding school in the US for part of highschool, and has remained there ever since, going to both college and grad school there. He is fluent in English, and only has an accent when he wants to seem particularly charming, but similar to what your dad said - he is still more comfortable in French. When he talks in his sleep, he speaks French, and when I asked him one time what language he "thinks" in, he answered French. During 90% of his daily life, he speaks English, as he only speaks French with his parents or to help me practice,

While he says that he probably would not move back to France if offered a job there, he does say that he misses it sometimes. It's hard for him, though, because since he moved around so much as a kid, he never really had that many friends as a kid in France. He best friends are American, and so while he misses France in a cultural sense, he doesn't really have too many concrete ties to the country.

By the way, as a fellow expat, and someone interested in France, I found your blog very interesting. Would it be alright if I added you to my blogroll?

[Nana]

très intéresssant ce billet... j'y suis tombée par hasard, après avoir lu celui des délicieux macarons pierre hermé. C'est fou ce que Paname me manque!

ha! well we have the same prob here in North America, intl releases come months later, most of the time... I wish I could watch Ribe's "Musée haut musée bas", but it won't come out here for, oh who knows, a year, plus it only had an independent release in France. Un peu relou, mais je patiente...
Anyways, interesting blog you've got. Happy New Year and cheers from Montreal!